回首当初，有很大部份原因是因为你才来这儿的。
就想见你可爱的脸孔笑容，及听你银铃般的声音。
曾几何时，多么地渴望能和你一起做的许多事情：
想和你分享点点滴滴；
想和你一起上课下课；
想和你享用早午晚餐；
想和你一起去看电影；
想和你去怡保区逛逛；
想和你去教堂的弥撒；
总之，
想无时无刻地见到你；
可是，在这儿三年过去了，一起做过的事寥寥无几，就连见你一面都难如登天，而你也就快毕业了。其实，就算你还在这儿多一段时间，对我来说也没什么差，反正就像隔着一片海，终究难见面。不过至少，我还可以时常绕去你家那儿，远处观望你的窗。灯亮着，就想像着你在房间里的一举一动；灯暗着，知道你已与人外出，只是不是与我，就失望地离开。
因为想像着哪一天你想起我，需要我的帮忙需要人载送，我把大部分的时间都留给了你，很多事情都不做了。就连曾经爱好的篮球也都放弃，以备不时之患，可惜每一次都只是痴心妄想、白费心机。
这段时间，心灵上的变化很大，思想也改变很多。不过至少，觉得你是促使我蜕变成更好的一个人。有时候，时常犯傻，要是以前就算再不济的我也很少可能犯的低级错误，在加上经常颓废不思进取，是因为你充斥着我的脑袋，没办法把你删除，不能正常思考。
怎样都好，这一切都无所谓了，反正我做的再多也无济于事，更何况我没办法做些什么，因为烦着你，只会让你更反感。反正我就是个粗俗的人，没有才华，其貌不扬，学业也不杰出，加上穷人家的孩子，你怎会看得上？可能，再多一个五到十年，我就能让岁月的洗礼帮我解脱这一切的束缚。
热脸贴在冷屁股上，最终会让自个儿的脸结满了冰霜；
掏出心扔在大海上，最终只会落得个石沉大海的下场。

To be frank I don't know how to start with, I'm all mixed up. I don't mind being "lone wolf", I don't mind being alone, I just want her companion for this very last semester of hers here. I mean like, we can still go out for dinners right, as ONLY friends? I'm not even sure if we are...
I'm not even putting any hope cause I know there isn't gonna be any, it hurts when every time I have to be shameless to ask her out, and get rejected, and repeat the cycle until I think it's very inappropriate to keep having her disturbed.
Her birthday is near, but I'm not planning on any gift cause I know my previous gifts were nasty and she hated them, however they were made with my hearts and souls, I had never done that to anyone, except for her, but I guess nobody really cared. What I hope is to have maybe the last dinner with her, even though I know the probability is almost near to 0, but I feel bitter either way.  
I'm so sick of the "relationship" thingy, so even people ask me to move on, to start over, I'm like screw that, that ain't gonna happen no more, starting to think that "forever alone" might be a good idea. I have given in so much but in return I'm receiving so much disheartening message.
Truthfully I don't know how to be a "nice" guy, cause I'm already trying so hard to be "nice". I'm not even hoping for that kinda mind-blowing, transcendent relationship, I'm just hoping for a wife, who can be with me forever, not a girlfriend. I maybe lame and dull, but when I'm serious I can't even do the flirting shit. So, I don't know starting from when, I've already lost my "passion" in this kinda thing, I stay away from most of the girls, despite being in an engineering course without girls, to prevent getting entangled in twisted "relationship" again, it's killing me and in fact I think it did, cause the "old me" is gone, and I don't recognize the "new me".
Maybe all this caused by my awful appearance? Personality? Being not rich? Talentless? 
"Fuck the world now, I'm done with foreplay"
"I’ve tried in this department, but I ain’t had no luck with this"

"It sucks, but it’s exactly what I thought it would be like tryna start over"
P/S: I really really like you, but I guess you loathe me so so much, guess I have no choice but to walk away, but this scar can never fade, I'm sho sho sad. Good luck finding your perfect love one in the future, sincerely wish you the best :")

Tears fall hard when the one you've long fallen for turns her back on you. And you have to stay away from her, because you do not want to see her trying to stay away from you, or to avoid the sad feeling that arises when you realize you are barely friends no more. However the irony is, you are so desperately hoping to see her from far. Friends and family ask you why won't you move on? What they do not understand, you can't, for million reasons, or there maybe only one, but who cares, even you yourself have given up on you.The painting and drawing that you gave her look stupid, and who are you to give her birthday presents? You are ugly, ignorant, poor, rude, and nothing good guy. 

Not only efforts, you even put in parts of heart and soul into everything you did for her, hence you are incomplete, incapable to fall for anyone else again. The broken heart of yours, even the loneliness is eating up your brain, that you have got no friends around, they left thinking you are weird and hateful, after all things you have been through in your head, that you turned into someone else that is not quite you, or maybe it's Gemini that has multi-personalities, that you do not even recognize him as well, is frozen solid like a ice fortress.  And your brain and the heart are fighting each other, to find balance in you, like Skylar Grey's singing, "the word "distraught" cannot describe how my heart has been."

Guess and hopefully it will be all over when she leaves this town as she's graduated soon.

P/S These are my crazy inner thoughts, whoever read this post, please have mercy no laughing material in it ORZ

My Broken Heart

This is actually the sequel of my previous post. Took me long enough to have an idea to portray out the broken heart of mine. Around 5 years ago, accidentally fell for another girl during a trip at port dickson. You know, it's like the new aim that makes me feel alive, like I finally have a purpose in my life. Scroll back to 2 years ago, after my A-level study, I picked the Uni here at Kampar just because she's pursuing her Chemistry degree here. When I new came here, the half to 1 year time was one of the happiest moments in my life, all of this is because that lots of dinner I had her accompanied me. And someday, it's like the good things never last, she was like reluctant to have dinner with me. It was like in every 10 times I asked her out, only once I succeeded, with all kind of excuses she refused my date. Until now, I don't even know if we're even friends anymore, I don't even dare to ask her out no more, and every time I see her in the campus, it bleeds deep inside, just so the BROKEN HEART.

曾几何时，为难了别人，又作践了自己。。。
在很久以前，大概也就小学四年级，有一位乳臭未干的小男孩，毛都没长齐，就情窦初开，迷恋上了一位小女孩。这位与众不同的小女孩深深的吸引着那男孩。特别，怎样一个特别法？却又何以见得特别？或许在他人眼里也就平淡无奇，朴实无华，可这不是重点，曾否耳闻“其人眼里出西施"？那双水灵灵大眼，稍卷的秀发，娇小的个子，银铃般的笑声，热情四射的性格，还真是格外迷魅。尤其是那对放电的灵魂之窗，之中嵌着深褐的大眼珠，心情佳时圆溜溜地到处乱转，配合着其他秀气五官，丰富许多脸部表情。说话时就直盯盯地瞧着你对眼，就这互盯着，仿佛还真是灵魂上的交流，神奇不？
回忆当初因为在班上胡闹而被罚坐 “特别位” （其他人都是因为没交功课），可那男孩却似乎不以为意，反而有些沾沾自喜，只因 “特别位” 靠近他心目中的 “女神” 。男孩在小六时就为了在放学后陪她直到家人来接送她，而荒废了训练乒乓的时间，结果那年常年冠军的男孩只获得了亚军。毕业时的不舍，还真只是因为不舍得离开那一位小女孩，忍着忍着结果泪眼汪汪，还好不是哭的稀里哗啦，看着左邻右舍同样也红眼肿肿，却相互谎称眼里进沙，疼痛难忍！哈哈！
上了不同中学，男孩对女孩依旧念念不忘，却阴差阳错之下认识了别班的一位美女。就是因为那出尘的美，男孩有些动心，原本也有机会发展下去，却因没有联络工具加上少许自卑感，进而退却。就在这时的某一天，那位曾经爱恋过的小女孩打着两个可爱的小辫子戏剧般地惊现在同一个补习中心的柜台。可想而知，原本就快平息的爱火很快地重燃。那时，为了争取机会开始接触网络与她网聊，到后来有了电话，两个语言天份还不错又互相对对方有些意思的两个小家伙自然聊得乐不思蜀，沒天没夜。终于到了后来，男孩名义上与女孩在一起了，可男孩因为家庭教育的关系，加上当时还小及自己的原则，当时竟然连小女孩的小手也没拖过。在一起的期间哪儿都没去过，就只在补习时间静静地坐在她身旁，感受着那纯纯初恋，可悲的是那男孩不知是害羞过度，抑或是面对面时的尴尬，还是担心破坏那和谐的画面，就这样默默地与她在补习班过了三个月，旁人都以为男孩正追求女孩，只有少数人了解真相。
三个月后，就只那么短时间，女孩要求散了，直至现今男孩还是不知正真的理由，当时可谓断肠的伤心他什么也不想知道。然而在分散以后两人却依旧保持着一些奇妙的关系。。。。

待续。。。。。。

//Feel it when you've poured all your heart into the sea
//The worst is, you can't even make no ripple on the surface of the sea
//Yeaa man all gifts from me are bizarre, but only for you, whether they suck or not, I suck

The final product with her portrait and the roman numeral which indicates her 21st.

The outline which  drawn by placing the paper on the LCD screen in order to save time and get perfect ratio

Start to portray out the face

That's the face!

And a lil bit of hair 

Rest station 

Further view

Pencil sketch with the grey fabric dye on the try 

Black markers are added

Closer view

Getting the outline on the shirt (which is so damn hard!)

OMG what?

Paper work, shirt work, and photoshop work

Finally got something which is quite decent, though I a lot prefer the pencil sketch :|

Family photo lolz

The front shirt which is empty (Time is the restraining order)

Final product

Gift is ready. Waiting for the slim chance to give out

Introduce you my drawing buddies this time. Kurecolor markers(Costly), Brushes & plate(Old buddies), Artline pens, fabric dye(1st try on this material), pencils, and also XYLITOL(which to keep me awake during midnight and give me inspirations lol)

The draft with grey & black markers lines

The pencil sketch with fabric grey shades

The trailer of the gift. Gonna transfer the draft to a shirt. It's gonna be hard to draw on a shirt. Let's make it.

My first art work of a colored portrait. It's a portrait of a girl whom I am really into, even though she's really into some other guy, and even it's disheartening. Hopefully it's a decent birthday gift for her 20th. By giving her this I think it'll ruin our friendship, gonna distant us much more than ever :| 

The framed final art work. It may seem like one but it is definitely not a funerary damn.

A pencil sketch for the portrait. It looks simple but it costs me quite lots of effort portraying it out from a photo.

So I first start off with the light skin color tryna picture out the facial mucles.

And I color up the doe-eyes of hers that always get me mesmerized.

And her fragile paper thin lips and the eyebrows, the nose I make it lil bit pointier. 

Random photo of the painting kits.

Now it's her straight hair. It's originally black in color.

Basically the painting is out. This looks bit too chubby >.< Just needs somemore make ups.

Product without the frame. A lil bit more make ups are done before framing. 

P/S I hope to draw her her portrait every year with different styles. All I want is simple sigh.I hope she doesn't throw it away when she gets it or does whatever making me sad even if I drew it badly. Whatever, guess I'm obsessed. 

完美，何为完美？连好的边都扯不上，甭谈完美。孰能抛开世俗的眼光，心无旁骛地活出自己？现今活着就是为了比较，竞争，誓死爬上人生的最高点。再说，人们太过于执着得不到的东西。越是不可能得到的东西，就越会想尽办法，出尽三十六计，不尽一切，不折手段的势必要得到。然而，悲哀的是往往人们作践自己，屈膝卑躬的付出一切努力，结果弄巧反拙，搞得自身伤痕累累，疲惫不堪，却连半口果子的味儿都尝不成。难道就不能悄悄的，潇洒地离执着而去？还有，为何人们就离不开群居的生活？为何忍受不了寂寞？为何不能迁入深山隐居，过着神仙般的生活呢？哼，神仙般的生活，除非你仙逝了，要不这玩意儿只能向往就好，不能当真。人们活着非要有伪装的面具，说好听一些，也就是把不同的一面呈现给不同的人，就好比见人说人话，见鬼说鬼话那样。而我，就通常把胡闹的一面搬出来，常有“别人笑我太疯癫”的自我保护模式，显得潇潇洒洒，仿佛世界的一切大小事都事不关己，其实不以然，心里滴着血，然而没人体会。很难想象，其实和尚，修士，到底是否摆脱了七情六欲，看破红尘，一心一意修灵，以备后来的西方的世界，抑或是天堂永生之福。有时候，真希望有个能看透自个儿灵魂的人生活在一起。然而这纯粹是妄想，自己都不认识自己的灵魂，奢望别人来了解？说到底根本就不了解自己存在的意义。长篇大论，废话连篇，本身都不明白这是为何！ 参不透，悟不出，就让思绪潇洒地飘逸于空中～

Man I don't know why things always go wrong instead of going to the right path as I expected or as planned. Brain is getting weaker, everyday I feel like getting stupider, slower response, slower sense, everything is degraded exponentially as day goes by. How the fuck is this happening? Just a small test regarding my electronic engineering course, damn it the easy questions I had them slipped, I tripped and lost lots of marks, those tough ones I don't even dare to think bout it. Today experiment, was to build an easy BCD encoder, what the fuck I failed to do it, how much stupidity could I discover more I wondered sometimes. Things weren't suppose to be like that man. Seriously man, to be frank I wish that I can graduate this electronic engineering shit with flying colors result, and perform well in my job field next time, in order to have a happy life. Who says money isn't everything, man fuck you it is everything you can't live without those pieces of shit, and I need a good job with high payment to LIVE! I just hope that everything goes back to the right track, as it was when I was younger, things went well that time. Man I pray this to you God, through Lord Jesus Christ. In fact, if my life could be any more perfect, please help me to realize it, Amen.

At this freaking morning, I did something freaky. Woke up from the bed and it was already 8:06. Man, I was having those disturbing dreams which freaked up my mind and even though I slept for enough hours I was still tired as hell. Freaking dragged myself up and quickly got ready to class. Man, fuck those cars in front, in my mind I was thinking. At the junction I was about to left turn, the freaking old type Mercedes seemed like would never grab nice chance to get out from the waiting zone. I tried to surpass him, by moving lil bit to his right side. Great, see there was a chance to go out fast, right stepped on the pedal hard, and there went pi ka boom. My car got onto the edge of the front Mercedes, didn't even know how. So I parked aside and talked to the old man driving that car. The Mercedes didn't even have a scratch so he let me go without getting any shit from me. I felt so sad bout my car, left side of it got crashed! So that was proton thingy, so freaking fragile and unreliable! I felt so numb as my freaking brain was still kinda like freezing. So when I reached the class I didn't even actually listen to my lecturer. Well great, so I complained my shit to my friends. Luckily one of my friends having his dad who could fix the car for me. Aww man total spent me RM270. My ang paus all gone. Wonder this Friday how am I gonna confront my dad. Hope everything's perfectly fine after this kinda accident. I meant like for the rest of my life. It was the freaking karma which got me into this I guess, was laughing at others all the time, now I got the chance to take a taste of it. Hmmm....

Bought a new bike today, white background with some blue decorations on it, simply just awesome, foremost blue's color of cool. There was a black one exactly same design with this one, but I prefer this color, which was more attractive I guess. Kinda have the feeling like love at the first sight when I spotted it. About the price, for me this kinda poor student it was very expensive, costed me RM400. Jesus, it was like cutting slice of flesh from me, but at last I just paid it with my heart bleeding, hopefully it would stay with me until I graduate. :)

Man, it was really awful to get drunk, my first time experience almost knocked me down, felt like dying no joke. Swear to god I'd never get drunk again just for fun. Recently was travelling here and there, far journey for me and I felt exhausted. How am I gonna travel the whole world when a small journey like this already put me into this hard situation. Guess as I grow up my dreams will just go blown one by one with no mercy on them. Since young I have this dream of becoming a biologist that explores Amazon for new species, as when I'm older I hope to paint every place I feel interesting down instead of taking photo of it. Guess I'm really a great dreamer ain't I? Man I have this kind of thought, even if we really feel sad due to getting apart or what so ever case, even if we're depressed, even if it's disheartening, should we just show the weak side of us and cry in front of everybody? Even if your that sentimental, is this necessary? Not that I have no feeling at all I'm not cold-blooded, you don't know if inside my heart it's ten folds greater the strength tearing me inside out, it'd still remain inside, trapped. Cause life's just so fucked up, if you're afraid of getting apart then please, no more new friends and stick some crazy strong glues between you and friends. Never ever getting apart.