回首当初，有很大部份原因是因为你才来这儿的。
就想见你可爱的脸孔笑容，及听你银铃般的声音。
曾几何时，多么地渴望能和你一起做的许多事情：
想和你分享点点滴滴；
想和你一起上课下课；
想和你享用早午晚餐；
想和你一起去看电影；
想和你去怡保区逛逛；
想和你去教堂的弥撒；
总之，
想无时无刻地见到你；
可是，在这儿三年过去了，一起做过的事寥寥无几，就连见你一面都难如登天，而你也就快毕业了。其实，就算你还在这儿多一段时间，对我来说也没什么差，反正就像隔着一片海，终究难见面。不过至少，我还可以时常绕去你家那儿，远处观望你的窗。灯亮着，就想像着你在房间里的一举一动；灯暗着，知道你已与人外出，只是不是与我，就失望地离开。
因为想像着哪一天你想起我，需要我的帮忙需要人载送，我把大部分的时间都留给了你，很多事情都不做了。就连曾经爱好的篮球也都放弃，以备不时之患，可惜每一次都只是痴心妄想、白费心机。
这段时间，心灵上的变化很大，思想也改变很多。不过至少，觉得你是促使我蜕变成更好的一个人。有时候，时常犯傻，要是以前就算再不济的我也很少可能犯的低级错误，在加上经常颓废不思进取，是因为你充斥着我的脑袋，没办法把你删除，不能正常思考。
怎样都好，这一切都无所谓了，反正我做的再多也无济于事，更何况我没办法做些什么，因为烦着你，只会让你更反感。反正我就是个粗俗的人，没有才华，其貌不扬，学业也不杰出，加上穷人家的孩子，你怎会看得上？可能，再多一个五到十年，我就能让岁月的洗礼帮我解脱这一切的束缚。
热脸贴在冷屁股上，最终会让自个儿的脸结满了冰霜；
掏出心扔在大海上，最终只会落得个石沉大海的下场。

To be frank I don't know how to start with, I'm all mixed up. I don't mind being "lone wolf", I don't mind being alone, I just want her companion for this very last semester of hers here. I mean like, we can still go out for dinners right, as ONLY friends? I'm not even sure if we are...
I'm not even putting any hope cause I know there isn't gonna be any, it hurts when every time I have to be shameless to ask her out, and get rejected, and repeat the cycle until I think it's very inappropriate to keep having her disturbed.
Her birthday is near, but I'm not planning on any gift cause I know my previous gifts were nasty and she hated them, however they were made with my hearts and souls, I had never done that to anyone, except for her, but I guess nobody really cared. What I hope is to have maybe the last dinner with her, even though I know the probability is almost near to 0, but I feel bitter either way.  
I'm so sick of the "relationship" thingy, so even people ask me to move on, to start over, I'm like screw that, that ain't gonna happen no more, starting to think that "forever alone" might be a good idea. I have given in so much but in return I'm receiving so much disheartening message.
Truthfully I don't know how to be a "nice" guy, cause I'm already trying so hard to be "nice". I'm not even hoping for that kinda mind-blowing, transcendent relationship, I'm just hoping for a wife, who can be with me forever, not a girlfriend. I maybe lame and dull, but when I'm serious I can't even do the flirting shit. So, I don't know starting from when, I've already lost my "passion" in this kinda thing, I stay away from most of the girls, despite being in an engineering course without girls, to prevent getting entangled in twisted "relationship" again, it's killing me and in fact I think it did, cause the "old me" is gone, and I don't recognize the "new me".
Maybe all this caused by my awful appearance? Personality? Being not rich? Talentless? 
"Fuck the world now, I'm done with foreplay"
"I’ve tried in this department, but I ain’t had no luck with this"

"It sucks, but it’s exactly what I thought it would be like tryna start over"
P/S: I really really like you, but I guess you loathe me so so much, guess I have no choice but to walk away, but this scar can never fade, I'm sho sho sad. Good luck finding your perfect love one in the future, sincerely wish you the best :")

Tears fall hard when the one you've long fallen for turns her back on you. And you have to stay away from her, because you do not want to see her trying to stay away from you, or to avoid the sad feeling that arises when you realize you are barely friends no more. However the irony is, you are so desperately hoping to see her from far. Friends and family ask you why won't you move on? What they do not understand, you can't, for million reasons, or there maybe only one, but who cares, even you yourself have given up on you.The painting and drawing that you gave her look stupid, and who are you to give her birthday presents? You are ugly, ignorant, poor, rude, and nothing good guy. 

Not only efforts, you even put in parts of heart and soul into everything you did for her, hence you are incomplete, incapable to fall for anyone else again. The broken heart of yours, even the loneliness is eating up your brain, that you have got no friends around, they left thinking you are weird and hateful, after all things you have been through in your head, that you turned into someone else that is not quite you, or maybe it's Gemini that has multi-personalities, that you do not even recognize him as well, is frozen solid like a ice fortress.  And your brain and the heart are fighting each other, to find balance in you, like Skylar Grey's singing, "the word "distraught" cannot describe how my heart has been."

Guess and hopefully it will be all over when she leaves this town as she's graduated soon.

P/S These are my crazy inner thoughts, whoever read this post, please have mercy no laughing material in it ORZ

My Broken Heart

This is actually the sequel of my previous post. Took me long enough to have an idea to portray out the broken heart of mine. Around 5 years ago, accidentally fell for another girl during a trip at port dickson. You know, it's like the new aim that makes me feel alive, like I finally have a purpose in my life. Scroll back to 2 years ago, after my A-level study, I picked the Uni here at Kampar just because she's pursuing her Chemistry degree here. When I new came here, the half to 1 year time was one of the happiest moments in my life, all of this is because that lots of dinner I had her accompanied me. And someday, it's like the good things never last, she was like reluctant to have dinner with me. It was like in every 10 times I asked her out, only once I succeeded, with all kind of excuses she refused my date. Until now, I don't even know if we're even friends anymore, I don't even dare to ask her out no more, and every time I see her in the campus, it bleeds deep inside, just so the BROKEN HEART.